Note to self

And now I've come to contemplate...

No wait.

I don't really know what I'm doing. I'm just thinking. Just some plain, rather deep, thinking.

Why?
How?
Should I?
Should I not?
What if?

I know I'm not gonna give up but then again I tell myself, do I ALWAYS have to keep trying? Would it be worth the effort? Will the time to stop trying ever come?

On the other hand, should I succumb to it?

How I wish...
I never stop wishing now, do I?

I should stop my wishful thinking.

Ok what the hell am I saying? My thoughts are messed up. Like how I am right now.

I'm jobless.
I have no direction.
I have no idea what I should do.
I don't know if I should do what I feel like doing.
I feel the same like how I felt 2-3 years ago... rather unaccomplished.

Things are different now. I know.
But it doesn't feel that way.

It did feel different a few months ago. I thought it would last forever.
It didn't. It stopped, a few weeks ago, apparently.

Would things change? I want change. Or rather, change from how it is now to how it was before. Or maybe change for something better.

I'd trade all others away for any change. Really.
No, I'm not desperate. Or maybe, I am, just that I don't want to sound like I am.
But, I guess there was something that made me realised, there will be NO change and I keep on forgetting that. It kills me.

And again and again, it kills me.
I keep forgetting.

I need to tie a knot on my finger to keep reminding myself that there will be NO change. That's just how it is. I just have to do it "the old fashion way", I guess.

This could just be one of those days...

Or maybe, this could be a realisation, after I felt my eyes well up for abit...